_Poetry vs. Sports_

I’m lonely.. I’m lonely because I’ve been single for a long time.. In March 2017, it’s going to be 5 years..

But…

I’ve been struggling lately, because every time someone asks me what I want in a guy or what my type is, it would appear that it changes over time, sometimes even in a matter of weeks.

 

Is it a bad thing?

 

Maybe I should just start making a check list, remove or add some “check points” based on how I feel that day , but by doing that I’m part of the usual, typical girl going through some kind of existential phase, argue?

 

You can’t.

 

But here are a few things that have bothered me lately…

 

I like sporty-big-bad-guys that know what they want in life, yet I also like the more-in-style type of guy wearing a beanie playing the guitar with a cig in his mouth..

Maybe, I just want someone to accept me, with my past, with my bad habits and every other part of the package. Maybe I just want/need a guy that can grab my ass, yet still think it’s amazing or cute when I develop an obsession with poetry. A guy that at least listens when I freak out about nostalgic shit happening in my life.. Maybe even get romantic once in a while? Yet, I adore the veins on a guy’s arms when he just finished a rugby game and HIS obsession to become bigger and better than before.. Sometimes it’s even sexy when a guy doesn’t pay fully attention to you, and still we (girls) get angry..

Do you get this?

We want guys to do stuff, to be stuff, to dream stuff.. stuff that we find sexy, cute or attractive, but then we get mad…

Ugh! Does this even make sense to you? This doesn’t make sense to me?

I’m out, I’m sorry!

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[Carry them]

Carry them…

The past few week I’ve been trying my best.. With what? 

With POSITIVITY..

I’ve struggled.. A lot.. 

I can’t sleep because I’m negative about the following day.. I can’t eat ’cause I’m negative about my weight.. I struggle to go to classes because I have a fear of getting results back.. I curse (a lot) out of frustration.. I cry.. I get more and more lonely.. I crave the feeling of cuddling.. I sigh (more than usual)

But I’ve been trying to keep it all to myself.. Some times I succeeded, while other times I just wanted to punch the closest object and burst into tears! 

But that’s not all…

While trying to stitch myself back together, I’ve been carrying some people through their hard times. I’ve stayed more positive for them, than for myself! I’ve motivated them.. I’ve been friendly (with tears threatening to fall) and offered them help where or when they needed it, even when I new it complicated my situation.. 

And that’s what made it all worth it! That is what taught me to keep it all to myself! 

People don’t necessarily listen because they want to help or care, they sometimes only listen because they hear that you’re speaking! 

But that feeling you get when someone, (who YOU carried) succeeds, is amazing! 
So carry them darlin’

Even if it means that you’re crawling! 

More than a smile :)

This may sound like a  “teenager-ree cliche” but there really is more to a smile than just another facial expression.

Let’s look a simple, plain example:
Earlier today I stood next to the security guard at our apartment complex’s front desk. I had quite a rough day (you would too if you found out that you got 28% for your Philosophy assignment). But anyway, back to my story. I stood next to her while minding my own business and when I turned around to search for one of my friends, I saw her.

Smiling at her phone!

Of course I couldn’t help but smile secretly. Her smile had my mind racing! What did she read? Who did she see? Was it her husband? Was it her children? Was it her secret lover?

And when I walked away, I realized that I was still smiling. Her smile and the reason behind it had nothing to do with , yet my entire day was for a slight moment more depressed and then entirely better!

Your silly facial expressions aren’t just smiles or duck faces…

It can actually set someone’s soul on fire.

How can something make you happy and sad? Well dear blogger, I’m sure that, this is not a new question to you, because that is something that everyone is arguing about. But this woman’s smile broke my heart while “fixing” my day.

I missed him, I missed the fact that he could make me smile at my phone like an idiot! I missed his laugh! I missed his face, the way his eyes light up when he’s happy.. I missed every single bit of him!

And now, now I’m depressed, and so are you.. Sorry

Well, good bye and have a nice day!

I’m now on my way to go watch how one if my friends drown his sorrows in alcohol! Maybe I’ll have a drink too…

For you dear reader, and for me…

Ax

The Struggle is real..

Here I am…
This is me…
(I hope you’re singing along…)

No! but seriously, I’m standing infront of the fridge, trying to decide whether I should buy a nice fattening Lemon Twist Soda or an even more fattening Coca Cola.. Damn, just thinking of it makes me gain 5kg’s!

By the way, my best friend aka roomie has a nice healthy blog, go check it out, we’re mostly blogging at the same time, because we have wifi at the same time! Ha Ha! You’ll love her blog, just as much as I love her!

http://www.gettingtherefitforlife.wordpress.com

I know! I know! There’s more to life than choosing which soda you can afford, but come on man! Sometimes we need something more bubbly to juice up our day! See what I did there?

wink-wink

xA

Help! There’s a zoo in my stomach!

Fuck butterflies! He texted be BACK today and now, now I have a zoo in my stomach! The zebras are barking, the horses are galloping, the owls, why they’re awake for once. 

I was having one fucked up day! I have French as a subject and oh my! At first I thought, “well this is cool and sexy and and and…” but now I think, “Why must French be so complicated and why do they have sooooo many rules!?”

But… He saved me today by telling me…

“Come on! Show them that you can do it! It’s a bad day, not a bad life”

Now THAT is husband material, or am I wrong? (don’t you dare sing!!!)

FML! After reading this message, I thought that I had made my final decision about who I’m going to choose.. I mean, what more do you want then hubby-material??

I need some serious advice, please, please please????

 

Him

Me: “It’s burns on the inside”
Friend: “What are you talking about?”
Me: “My heart and my brain, it’s like they’re at war…”

Like any other 19 year old, I’ve had quite my number of issues regarding a “love-life” and oh my!

Here I am, on a Sunday afternoon on campus (using wifi of course), having thoughts about everything that has happened since I met these 2 guys. You’re probably thinking, “another hoe,” but it’s not like that. You will never convince me that there is 1 girl out there, who hasn’t had feelings for 2 guys at the same time. My problem(s) is that, well let’s make a list, shall we?

Guy 1  :

  1. We agreed being just “buddies” (and by that I hope you understand what I mean)
  2. He’s not interested
  3. I’m probably not his type (probably nobodies)
  4. He’s moving to America in 2017 (yay for him, noooooooooooo for me)
  5. He’s gorgeous (it may not seem like a problem, but trust me when I tell you that there are plenty of girls falling for him)
  6. He drinks a lot (me too, but not as much as him tho)
  7. Did I mention that he’s not interested?
  8. He is a MAN and not a BOY

 

Guy 2:
(I can actually just paste the list above, but let’s put it into perspective.)

  1. He decided that we’ll always just be friends the first time he chose another girl
  2. He quite recently told me the same but now he’s single
  3. He can’t forget/ forgive my past
  4. He’s not interested either (“Oh honey, it’s me not you! I just make bad choices when it comes to men” – Unknown)
  5. I’m probably not his type either
  6. He sees my drinking and occasionally smoking ( I stopped tho) as  REALLY BAD
  7. Same old, same old! He’s stunning too!
  8. He is a MAN and not a BOY

My mind and heart is currently at war with each other. My mind clearly understands that I need to move on and forget about BOTH OF THEM while my heart argues that I can actually see myself marrying one of them, both of them if that was allowed 🙂 (wow that sounded like the Bachelorette Finale). Moving on seems impossible, but “staying” kills me. I can’t sleep, I want to cry the whole time etc. etc. etc.

But before you judge me and tell me that I’m a drama-queen or just another obsessed teenager, you’re absolutely right my friend, but I know that you’ll understand when I say this:

If choosing which one you love the most is so easy, why do people get afraid when they’re faced with such a decision?

So? What do you think?

Guy 1? Guy 2? Forget about both? Fight for one?

 

xA

Like my blog, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life…

 I honestly don’t know what I’m doing by TRYING to be a blogger and more honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Every time that I try to figure out how this blog business works, it fails. Badly.

And the thing about asking for help is that it takes away the secrecy behind every blog post, every word, every curse and every judgmental comment!

That’s all for now folks!

x

First blog post

Hi there

You can call me Annie, it’s what the few friends I have, call me.

I’m 19 and a full time student. That’s supposed to give you an idea about what my life is all about. Yes dear, I’m another bitch trying to survive everything thrown at me.

Please don’t think that I created and started a blog just because I don’t have the balls to tell you how I feel about you to your face, because I will. Me starting this blog is just about me, loving to write down about how bitch life can be. It’s a type of therapy and escape. But the fact that you’ve read this means that you might have a thing for bloggers and that I’m already telling you what you know, because chances are, you have your own blog, your own problems and your own seeing of life.

I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help.

I’m that type of person that when you WANT TO be a bitch, I WILL HELP YOU be the best bitch that you can be. I’ m still in training myself, but I have quite an idea what it’s all about.

That being said, I may be 100% bitch, but I STILL RESPECT MY PARENTS! Yes, they drive me insane and they don’t know everything about me, but I still love them. At the end of it all, family stays family.

Please don’t be afraid to comment or have an opinion. I’m a very good listener (aka reader) because few people in my life actually listen, because normally that’s my job.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I’m jobless and enjoying catching up some sleep that I’ve lost the past 6 months.

Happy blogging!